Easter Sunday. I spent a fair bit of my morning over at the CNN belief blog instead of enjoying my "me" time with a good horror flick. There's an article there about how the Christian claims of persecution have been exaggerated over the years, and how useful a tool the belief you are being persecuted can be. There was an interesting irony that an article stating that modern Christians have something of a "martyr complex" was met in the comment section by many howls of persecution for daring to write an article saying they believe they're being persecuted.
I was more interested in how completely hot the professor of early Christian history at Notre Dame was (I noticed a couple of the comments making the same observation). I had to stalk her a little bit and watch a television appearance she made ...and yeah, the picture in her link does her justice. Beautiful, smart, British. Lo, I swooneth. I might get a kick out her books in any case; I doubt she's "in" to middle aged disabled dude's who live with their mother though.
Looking at the last two blogs I wrote, I can see that it's been a while. Apparently tomorrow makes ten months since I've had a cigarette ...I've had a few close calls, but have managed to keep away from them completely (I haven't smoked "full time" in closer to five years). I'll feel better after June rolls around again, but one day at a time.
I've been doing a little bit of writing here and there ...I've been confining it to personal journal stuff of late; I've been feeling a lot less than social lately even though I realize I probably need to start working on that.
First journal entry here to mention that my ex died just a couple of days before Christmas, and I seem to be getting reminders every day that I'm not quite "over" her yet after all. A mutual friend we had asked about her the other day, and she was more surprised by the fact we never got back together than the fact that she died. It's about the third time I've had that reaction from people I've seen from the time she and I were together. She and I kept in touch, we were friends ...we spoke just a few days before she died. I miss her ...or maybe I just miss knowing that she's there. *sigh*
Other than that ...boring for the most part. Mom and I took a trip down to Waco yesterday for my great-nephews first birthday party. Mom and I had a good time even though it really took the wind out of both our sails. Two hour drive down, two hours in a echo-ey room full of kids and commotion, then a two hour drive back. My siblings had reservations about my ability to do it at all ...and when I got back, I realized that even though I did okay with it ...it still may not have been the wisest thing I've ever done. I'm still wiped out today, and suspect I'll remain this way for a few days; sucks to be me sometimes.
I think I'm off.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Motivate me
Wow.
So I'm coming up quick on the third month without a smoke and just a bit longer to make the second month living at Mom's. All in all, it hasn't been bad here ...Mom and I get along well, we have a long way to go when it comes to getting into any sort of "groove" but at least it isn't being an uncomfortable transition. Smoking cravings come and go, but I seldom even take them seriously anymore.
I need to get out and go to the bank today; I haven't been out of the house except for the frequent dog-walks since last Friday maybe? I have plenty of things I could be doing but I'm 1) not feeling very motivated and 2) just plain not feeling all that WELL either.
In the writing interim, I managed to do a total overhaul on the house interior. I cleaned everything ...and at a level of cleanliness that I didn't really even think I was capable of. The family is wowed and so are Mom and I ...but as always, I'm afraid it came with the price tag that I'm finding now: I was writing checks my body couldn't cash. I just don't have much left.
Mom and I go in fits and starts ...I'll cook for 3 or 4 days, then she'll do a day or three. I was so hyped up with the move and the cleaning I had a really hard time slowing down ...and this is part of the reason I didn't want to slow down. I knew the crash would come. I'm glad I made it through the worst of it, but now it's time to start figuring out what to do with "from now on" and I really don't have a clue. I'm pretty sure the aching body will either motivate me or make me depressed.
so many changes.
sigh
So I'm coming up quick on the third month without a smoke and just a bit longer to make the second month living at Mom's. All in all, it hasn't been bad here ...Mom and I get along well, we have a long way to go when it comes to getting into any sort of "groove" but at least it isn't being an uncomfortable transition. Smoking cravings come and go, but I seldom even take them seriously anymore.
I need to get out and go to the bank today; I haven't been out of the house except for the frequent dog-walks since last Friday maybe? I have plenty of things I could be doing but I'm 1) not feeling very motivated and 2) just plain not feeling all that WELL either.
In the writing interim, I managed to do a total overhaul on the house interior. I cleaned everything ...and at a level of cleanliness that I didn't really even think I was capable of. The family is wowed and so are Mom and I ...but as always, I'm afraid it came with the price tag that I'm finding now: I was writing checks my body couldn't cash. I just don't have much left.
Mom and I go in fits and starts ...I'll cook for 3 or 4 days, then she'll do a day or three. I was so hyped up with the move and the cleaning I had a really hard time slowing down ...and this is part of the reason I didn't want to slow down. I knew the crash would come. I'm glad I made it through the worst of it, but now it's time to start figuring out what to do with "from now on" and I really don't have a clue. I'm pretty sure the aching body will either motivate me or make me depressed.
so many changes.
sigh
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
And on the sixth day...
Reading around the other day when I was ranting so much about the "spiritual fucks and their stupid platitudes" I have to admit that I'm a bit curious now about the different stages of withdrawal. I usually get goofy instead of bitchy, but walking into day six without a cigarette just feels a little weird. I don't really feel like I've made it over any kind of "hump" to speak of; I don't honestly think I'll feel like I've accomplished any real goals until I've passed one month (realistically with me ...six weeks). Most websites I went to said that the first four days are the hardest, but I guess that I have one thing going for me that "most people" don't: a chronic condition that when aggravated, feels a hell of a lot worse than nicotine withdrawal ever will. Honestly ...the first two days almost feels like a cheap drug high to me; days three and four are much harder than one or two.
...and that's where I'm at this morning; my "chronic condition" is in high gear so it's hard to concentrate on much of anything. I had a minor craving last night, but felt so shitty from what was really just "another day in the life" that I was able to pass off the craving without so much as a second thought; this morning I'm too dizzy to really even care. Maybe I'm a little more determined this time since I feel sort of painted into a corner to do what I've needed to do (for arguably much better reasons) all along anyway. Maybe I'm just doing the equivalent of hitting my right hand with a hammer so I don't think about how much my left foot hurts. At one point yesterday, my left eye went dark in the peripherals kind of like somebody shone a bright light in my eye ...except that my vision was fine straight ahead, just super-dark around the edges. It's happened like that before more than once, so I didn't get too overly bent out of shape about it and everything was back to normal inside of a half hour or so. It's been a few years, but I've never shown stroke activity in an MRI to date, so I just don't worry about it. The bizarre ways my vision gets affected by the dizziness is something that every single doctor to date has just filed off as "weird" but I honestly don't think any of them has taken it very seriously.
I've got five weeks before the big move, and I'm sure making a hell of a start. I got up in the attic at Moms yesterday and moved a ton of stuff around as well as nailing down a bit of plywood to move around on. I honestly don't know what the fuck Dad was thinking when he put particle board down up there (and I'm about 90% sure it was him and not the previous owner); it caves in as soon as you put any weight on it between the rafters (that you can't see because of the freaking particle board). The good news is that there's plenty of room up there after all. The first time I went up there, I nearly had a heart attack because it was so full of stuff. Turns out that there were two things going on I wasn't seeing in the initial "OMFG!" I went through. First was that everything was piled around the ladder/stairs going up; second was that most of the boxes were empty (leave it to my folks to save air from 1994). I make fun, but I actually sympathize a little bit ...I hate parting with a really good box; I do draw the line at filling an attic with them though. There's a hell of a lot more room than my initial guess though.
I brought my sister and BIL's steam cleaner back with me on the last ranch trip, and I made the huge start in carpet cleaning yesterday as well. First carpet cleaning in at least 16 years. I did two rooms, and I'll go back today to do two more. I'm pretty impressed with how good it looks in the two rooms that I've already done ...I'm hoping the next two will go as well, but I can only hope that the rest of the place looks as good as the dining room. The front room is worse than the dining room (I'll be doing the front room today), but the living room is by far the worst of all of them. I'm not sure if I'll try to tackle the living room before I'm actually moved in or not. I may, but I think some of it will depend on how the front room and computer room goes, and how thorough Mom will be on going through her stuff.
I always worked on the car in two day stretches, so I keep telling myself that "I can do this" even when I know good and well that my body is almost done and I'll be running on borrowed steam. Good ...I can burn off all those fucking calories I got from eating everything in sight for the last five (first four?) days. I won't say that the suffering is good for my soul, but it sure helps keep my mind off of things I don't really want to be thinking about.
It's time now. I think I'll start getting the stuff out of my closet that I want to bring up this time, and start getting busy on trying to get myself freed up enough to work a little bit.
c'est la vie
...and that's where I'm at this morning; my "chronic condition" is in high gear so it's hard to concentrate on much of anything. I had a minor craving last night, but felt so shitty from what was really just "another day in the life" that I was able to pass off the craving without so much as a second thought; this morning I'm too dizzy to really even care. Maybe I'm a little more determined this time since I feel sort of painted into a corner to do what I've needed to do (for arguably much better reasons) all along anyway. Maybe I'm just doing the equivalent of hitting my right hand with a hammer so I don't think about how much my left foot hurts. At one point yesterday, my left eye went dark in the peripherals kind of like somebody shone a bright light in my eye ...except that my vision was fine straight ahead, just super-dark around the edges. It's happened like that before more than once, so I didn't get too overly bent out of shape about it and everything was back to normal inside of a half hour or so. It's been a few years, but I've never shown stroke activity in an MRI to date, so I just don't worry about it. The bizarre ways my vision gets affected by the dizziness is something that every single doctor to date has just filed off as "weird" but I honestly don't think any of them has taken it very seriously.
I've got five weeks before the big move, and I'm sure making a hell of a start. I got up in the attic at Moms yesterday and moved a ton of stuff around as well as nailing down a bit of plywood to move around on. I honestly don't know what the fuck Dad was thinking when he put particle board down up there (and I'm about 90% sure it was him and not the previous owner); it caves in as soon as you put any weight on it between the rafters (that you can't see because of the freaking particle board). The good news is that there's plenty of room up there after all. The first time I went up there, I nearly had a heart attack because it was so full of stuff. Turns out that there were two things going on I wasn't seeing in the initial "OMFG!" I went through. First was that everything was piled around the ladder/stairs going up; second was that most of the boxes were empty (leave it to my folks to save air from 1994). I make fun, but I actually sympathize a little bit ...I hate parting with a really good box; I do draw the line at filling an attic with them though. There's a hell of a lot more room than my initial guess though.
I brought my sister and BIL's steam cleaner back with me on the last ranch trip, and I made the huge start in carpet cleaning yesterday as well. First carpet cleaning in at least 16 years. I did two rooms, and I'll go back today to do two more. I'm pretty impressed with how good it looks in the two rooms that I've already done ...I'm hoping the next two will go as well, but I can only hope that the rest of the place looks as good as the dining room. The front room is worse than the dining room (I'll be doing the front room today), but the living room is by far the worst of all of them. I'm not sure if I'll try to tackle the living room before I'm actually moved in or not. I may, but I think some of it will depend on how the front room and computer room goes, and how thorough Mom will be on going through her stuff.
I always worked on the car in two day stretches, so I keep telling myself that "I can do this" even when I know good and well that my body is almost done and I'll be running on borrowed steam. Good ...I can burn off all those fucking calories I got from eating everything in sight for the last five (first four?) days. I won't say that the suffering is good for my soul, but it sure helps keep my mind off of things I don't really want to be thinking about.
It's time now. I think I'll start getting the stuff out of my closet that I want to bring up this time, and start getting busy on trying to get myself freed up enough to work a little bit.
c'est la vie
Monday, June 4, 2012
...and on the fourth day
Oh, the shame of it all! ...I keep putting myself back in the same place.
Today is beginning my fourth day without a cigarette, but I'm only slightly bonkers on the "compared to" scale. I've been quitting and restarting so much in the last year that it's a wonder I have any brain cells left. I figure the near constant state of withdrawals that I've been subjecting myself to can't be good for me (as if the smoking itself was). I don't see any studies on the effects of trying to quit so many times in succession.
I'm a big believer in "cold turkey" as a quitting method; I've quit that way dozens of times (seriously true, although my tongue is firmly in my cheek as I say it). I don't honestly know if I've gone a complete year without a cigarette since that first time that I "seriously" quit, but I'm pretty sure that I've at least come close. I may well have gone that long until Dad died. The times I've stayed quit the longest were all cold-turkey though; I think the (very) first time with Wellbutrin lasted for quite a while as well though.
Interesting trying to read up a little online about all the different ways to quit. One website when talking about success rates discouraged the cold turkey method since it had the least success and it said only 3-4 out of 100 stayed quit after a full year. ...but for some reason, all the other "methods" listed the rates by six months (if that) rather than a full year. The site that advocated cold-turkey simply said to conduct your own survey and ask the people who had been quit for a year and over how they did it and he wagered that well over half would say they went cold turkey. To be honest ...that's at least the percentage I've seen in real life. To give a derogatory mark for the cold-turkey dude, he said the best method is to simply not smoke another cigarette. Yeah it's true, but still a major "Captain Obvious" answer akin to saying the best way to avoid being poisoned by arsenic is to not suffer arsenic poisoning.
I can't bring myself to put much stock in anyone's method unless they've got more than a year of abstinence behind them. I shouldn't piss on anyone's methodology, but I find some of them to be annoying as shit ...especially the types harping about how God cured them of the desire to smoke ...and they'd been quit a whole three days (praise be!)! Google search some support boards and I guarantee you'll find at least one on your first hit.
Fuck them. Good for them if it actually works in the long run, but still FUCK THEM! One thing that pretty well all sites said was that you need a support system, and on that front I'm kind of fucked since nobody I really know well even knows I started again in the first place. I've not told family or my best friend(s), so I guess I'm kind of stuck with what I have. In one sense, that is a good spur to stay quit since I can't smoke after I move anyway without letting that particular cat out of the bag.
Perhaps it's just the withdrawals, but my patience is done. I stop and look at forums and the people just make me nauseous. I think I shall find something to immerse myself in.
Today is beginning my fourth day without a cigarette, but I'm only slightly bonkers on the "compared to" scale. I've been quitting and restarting so much in the last year that it's a wonder I have any brain cells left. I figure the near constant state of withdrawals that I've been subjecting myself to can't be good for me (as if the smoking itself was). I don't see any studies on the effects of trying to quit so many times in succession.
I'm a big believer in "cold turkey" as a quitting method; I've quit that way dozens of times (seriously true, although my tongue is firmly in my cheek as I say it). I don't honestly know if I've gone a complete year without a cigarette since that first time that I "seriously" quit, but I'm pretty sure that I've at least come close. I may well have gone that long until Dad died. The times I've stayed quit the longest were all cold-turkey though; I think the (very) first time with Wellbutrin lasted for quite a while as well though.
Interesting trying to read up a little online about all the different ways to quit. One website when talking about success rates discouraged the cold turkey method since it had the least success and it said only 3-4 out of 100 stayed quit after a full year. ...but for some reason, all the other "methods" listed the rates by six months (if that) rather than a full year. The site that advocated cold-turkey simply said to conduct your own survey and ask the people who had been quit for a year and over how they did it and he wagered that well over half would say they went cold turkey. To be honest ...that's at least the percentage I've seen in real life. To give a derogatory mark for the cold-turkey dude, he said the best method is to simply not smoke another cigarette. Yeah it's true, but still a major "Captain Obvious" answer akin to saying the best way to avoid being poisoned by arsenic is to not suffer arsenic poisoning.
I can't bring myself to put much stock in anyone's method unless they've got more than a year of abstinence behind them. I shouldn't piss on anyone's methodology, but I find some of them to be annoying as shit ...especially the types harping about how God cured them of the desire to smoke ...and they'd been quit a whole three days (praise be!)! Google search some support boards and I guarantee you'll find at least one on your first hit.
Fuck them. Good for them if it actually works in the long run, but still FUCK THEM! One thing that pretty well all sites said was that you need a support system, and on that front I'm kind of fucked since nobody I really know well even knows I started again in the first place. I've not told family or my best friend(s), so I guess I'm kind of stuck with what I have. In one sense, that is a good spur to stay quit since I can't smoke after I move anyway without letting that particular cat out of the bag.
Perhaps it's just the withdrawals, but my patience is done. I stop and look at forums and the people just make me nauseous. I think I shall find something to immerse myself in.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
You need to work on your mood!
Too crazy!
I'm surprised that it's been a little over two years since that last entry. Not TOO surprised mind you, but geez ...long fucking space of time to go without writing though, especially considering what I kinda started the blog for in the first place: documenting the restoration of my old Z-car.
I brought my car back to Dallas a week ago (7 days tomorrow, actually). I'm really not quite sure when all the changes sank in, but I do know that I lost all my heart for writing after my Dad passed away (two months before that last entry), and definitely after Mom was diagnosed with cancer and went through a really brutal (not to mention unsuccessful) chemo regimen. I just went to see my neurologist last week, and a new doctor who was sitting in kept remarking about my mood. I admitted that my mood was a little poor although I didn't really admit that it's been on a downhill run for a little longer than I really want to admit to. There has just been so much going on on so many fronts ...I really don't know quite how to sort out what from what these days.
I don't have a great restoration car although it doesn't exactly look shitty either ...although I can't say the initiative dried up on the car in concurrency with the writing , things sure didn't work out like I had hoped for on that front either. It'll be a fun little car to start driving again, but it's certainly no show car. After repeated fuck-ups with paint and body work, I just put a very thin skin of black spray-can primer over the metal body areas on the last trip, and I've decided to just call that "good enough for now" until I can afford to let somebody who has a clue what they're doing paint it for me. Given that this side is the one that was wrecked, I guess I could have done a lot worse.
I took it in for the inspection and alignment on Friday, so there really isn't much keeping me from driving it again as full time as I'd kind of like to. It needs a fair bit of rubber (weather seals and new tires), but that won't really need to stop me from driving it.
I only glanced briefly over the last few blogs I wrote, but apart from Dad's death being conspicuously missing (actually, my not mentioning that is perfectly consistent with me), I also neglected to mention that I trashed the engine in my other car and had borrowed a car from my oldest brother.
Weird fucking conundrum for me. I lost my Dad, I lost the engine in my car the day before I lost my Dad. I'm pretty sure I was at least moderately enthusiastic about fixing my other car at my sister and BIL's ranch even though their political and religious views make me a little sick to my stomach to be around for any amount of time. Nearly three years of subjecting myself (and to be fair ...vice versa, although I'm a fuck of a lot better about keeping my beliefs to myself than they are) to stuff I either find silly or just outright hateful. I added to my emotional distress by borrowing a car from the brother who asked me to stay with him, then asked me to leave.
Ah well ...I made myself miserable in a lot of ways; working myself to a frazzle and then coming down sick for months on end happened three times. I didn't even go the full year before deciding to fix up the Daewoo with the trashed engine rather than continue driving my brother's car. In retrospect, I wish I had simply given up on the body work with the Nissan and started driving it again without all the work that I wasn't really qualified to do in the first place. Had it looked kind of crappy, it probably would have been perfectly safe in the fucking unsafe apartments I lived in at the time. It might have also averted a lot of the general angst and resentful feelings that have been stirred up with the sister and BIL over the long amount of time the car has darkened their shop.
Oh yeah ...and in that silent year to follow, on two occasions I had my door kicked in while I was out of town and my apartment robbed (once at the ranch working, once house and dog-sitting). The second time they mostly just stole all the brand new stuff that I had bought to replace what was stolen the first time. The first time I had no renters insurance ...the second time had I filed a claim, the renewal rates over the course of the next two years wouldn't have covered what was stolen (and they likely would have dropped me rather than renew at the 300% increase that is standard after a theft claim). I moved to an awesome new place less than a month after the last burglary, but I've recently had my rent at the new place raised to an unsustainable level given my income, so now I'm saddled with moving again. The last place, the neighbors robbed me blind ...this place I should have been worried about the management, but at least my neighbors are mostly great (my next-door neighbor is bat-shit nuts, although harmless for the most part).
I love the new place, but I tore up the rotator cuff in my right shoulder in the initial move here and spent months (and thousands of dollars that simply piled onto my already straining credit cards) in physical therapy only to finally be told I need surgery that I have neither the money nor the patience for. I'm in pain a great deal of the time, but not unlike my disability ...I've mostly just been learning how to ignore it. Swell thing to have when I'll be moving again in the next month though.
This time I'll be moving in with my mother, where I can only hope that my history with room-mates doesn't repeat itself. The only sure thing about my moving in with my mother is that I'll most certainly have the ringside seat to watching the cancer slowly finish her off. Don't take me wrong ...I'm glad to be there for her, and I really hope my being there will make her remaining days somewhat easier. She most certainly needs the help around the house as much as I need to pay down this outrageous credit card debt that's racked up in the last year. I'm still not enthusiastic about having to watch it up close and personal just like I did with Dad though. I can only hope her passing will be a little more peaceful ...I still have nightmares about Dad's from time to time.
So yeah ...my mood has had a little to be desired. No need for anti-depressants, and no need for a therapist; I think damned near anyone in my shoes would have a few issues with their mood. I have little doubt that I'll be able to push on through it, although I really would like to start rediscovering my sense of humor again.
I think that's been the heaviest casualty since all this started and I'm hoping that I'll start rediscovering it after the coming move is over with.
I'm surprised that it's been a little over two years since that last entry. Not TOO surprised mind you, but geez ...long fucking space of time to go without writing though, especially considering what I kinda started the blog for in the first place: documenting the restoration of my old Z-car.
I brought my car back to Dallas a week ago (7 days tomorrow, actually). I'm really not quite sure when all the changes sank in, but I do know that I lost all my heart for writing after my Dad passed away (two months before that last entry), and definitely after Mom was diagnosed with cancer and went through a really brutal (not to mention unsuccessful) chemo regimen. I just went to see my neurologist last week, and a new doctor who was sitting in kept remarking about my mood. I admitted that my mood was a little poor although I didn't really admit that it's been on a downhill run for a little longer than I really want to admit to. There has just been so much going on on so many fronts ...I really don't know quite how to sort out what from what these days.
I don't have a great restoration car although it doesn't exactly look shitty either ...although I can't say the initiative dried up on the car in concurrency with the writing , things sure didn't work out like I had hoped for on that front either. It'll be a fun little car to start driving again, but it's certainly no show car. After repeated fuck-ups with paint and body work, I just put a very thin skin of black spray-can primer over the metal body areas on the last trip, and I've decided to just call that "good enough for now" until I can afford to let somebody who has a clue what they're doing paint it for me. Given that this side is the one that was wrecked, I guess I could have done a lot worse.
I only glanced briefly over the last few blogs I wrote, but apart from Dad's death being conspicuously missing (actually, my not mentioning that is perfectly consistent with me), I also neglected to mention that I trashed the engine in my other car and had borrowed a car from my oldest brother.
Weird fucking conundrum for me. I lost my Dad, I lost the engine in my car the day before I lost my Dad. I'm pretty sure I was at least moderately enthusiastic about fixing my other car at my sister and BIL's ranch even though their political and religious views make me a little sick to my stomach to be around for any amount of time. Nearly three years of subjecting myself (and to be fair ...vice versa, although I'm a fuck of a lot better about keeping my beliefs to myself than they are) to stuff I either find silly or just outright hateful. I added to my emotional distress by borrowing a car from the brother who asked me to stay with him, then asked me to leave.
Ah well ...I made myself miserable in a lot of ways; working myself to a frazzle and then coming down sick for months on end happened three times. I didn't even go the full year before deciding to fix up the Daewoo with the trashed engine rather than continue driving my brother's car. In retrospect, I wish I had simply given up on the body work with the Nissan and started driving it again without all the work that I wasn't really qualified to do in the first place. Had it looked kind of crappy, it probably would have been perfectly safe in the fucking unsafe apartments I lived in at the time. It might have also averted a lot of the general angst and resentful feelings that have been stirred up with the sister and BIL over the long amount of time the car has darkened their shop.
Oh yeah ...and in that silent year to follow, on two occasions I had my door kicked in while I was out of town and my apartment robbed (once at the ranch working, once house and dog-sitting). The second time they mostly just stole all the brand new stuff that I had bought to replace what was stolen the first time. The first time I had no renters insurance ...the second time had I filed a claim, the renewal rates over the course of the next two years wouldn't have covered what was stolen (and they likely would have dropped me rather than renew at the 300% increase that is standard after a theft claim). I moved to an awesome new place less than a month after the last burglary, but I've recently had my rent at the new place raised to an unsustainable level given my income, so now I'm saddled with moving again. The last place, the neighbors robbed me blind ...this place I should have been worried about the management, but at least my neighbors are mostly great (my next-door neighbor is bat-shit nuts, although harmless for the most part).
I love the new place, but I tore up the rotator cuff in my right shoulder in the initial move here and spent months (and thousands of dollars that simply piled onto my already straining credit cards) in physical therapy only to finally be told I need surgery that I have neither the money nor the patience for. I'm in pain a great deal of the time, but not unlike my disability ...I've mostly just been learning how to ignore it. Swell thing to have when I'll be moving again in the next month though.
This time I'll be moving in with my mother, where I can only hope that my history with room-mates doesn't repeat itself. The only sure thing about my moving in with my mother is that I'll most certainly have the ringside seat to watching the cancer slowly finish her off. Don't take me wrong ...I'm glad to be there for her, and I really hope my being there will make her remaining days somewhat easier. She most certainly needs the help around the house as much as I need to pay down this outrageous credit card debt that's racked up in the last year. I'm still not enthusiastic about having to watch it up close and personal just like I did with Dad though. I can only hope her passing will be a little more peaceful ...I still have nightmares about Dad's from time to time.
So yeah ...my mood has had a little to be desired. No need for anti-depressants, and no need for a therapist; I think damned near anyone in my shoes would have a few issues with their mood. I have little doubt that I'll be able to push on through it, although I really would like to start rediscovering my sense of humor again.
I think that's been the heaviest casualty since all this started and I'm hoping that I'll start rediscovering it after the coming move is over with.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Nissan Weekend #14
As much as I'd like to pretend that weekend 14 never happened (or at least to not count it as an actual “work day”), I guess I should go ahead and tell the tale.
Mostly, the fourteenth installment in our continuing series largely consisted of me futilely attempting to wipe tar off of where the quarter-windows and tail-light assemblies had been on my car (and removing the pinstripes and adhesive for the trim). I bought a BIG bottle of tar & adhesive remover that probably would have worked fine had it just been a single small blotch or two that a person might get by driving through a road construction area with fresh tar ...not a huge quarter inch bead of the stuff covering a line that perhaps equaled 15-20 feet or so in length ...and this isn't even counting the double stick tape that had held the bumper strips on (another 15 feet or so), or the pinstripes. Back when I was working in the field, we used some stuff in an aerosol can that nearly melted the shit off on contact. I think I was kicking myself most of the time for not making some phone calls to find out what that stuff had been.
My dream had been to do all of the body work and put on the primer coat of paint this weekend. As much as I want to bitch about the complete waste of a day ...the truth is that I probably couldn't have successfully done that anyway: it rained cats and dogs nearly the whole day, and I have doubts that the paint would have even stuck. It also doesn't make me feel any better when the goal for #15 weekend is now going to be the same as this one though.
So I went out first thing in the morning and started wiping the tar out of the quarter window flanges with the solvent I had purchased (keep away from "Goof-off" everyone). Nearly two hours later, I started on the tail-light flanges. I didn't work QUITE as hard on those, and eventually I took a razor to the pinstripes and double stick tape that had a consistency that was somewhat similar to concrete has after having been on the car for 24 years. I guess that on the upside ...at least I did go ahead and mask off the quarter windows and all of the bolt holes where I had taken out parts (rear bumper, lights, etc) while I was working.
Ultimately, it came down to wet-sanding the shit out of it, and that mostly did the trick although it went down to the primer in a lot of the heavy areas. Then when the heavens opened up and started dumping what I'm pretty sure was one of the local lakes on me, I pulled the car back inside the shop and started pulling a vacuum on the AC system. I took off the RF fender and did a bit of pounding on the fender with a rubber mallet to get the worst of the dents out, then put three cans of refrigerant in the AC. I either have a pretty big leak, or something else is going on; it cycled rapidly like there wasn't enough refrigerant (R12 capacity was only 34 ounces, so three cans should have been overdoing things a little bit). I guess I'll find out next time; I dumped a shit-load of oil into it, so a leak should be pretty obvious if there is one.
I'm considerably less than thrilled with the progress on this trip, and I guess that I'll just have to hope that next time I won't have the rain variable mixed into things. I got a fair bit done as far as prep-work goes; there's still a fair bit yet to do though. As I've said, I'm less than thrilled, but it could have always been worse I suppose.
Mostly, the fourteenth installment in our continuing series largely consisted of me futilely attempting to wipe tar off of where the quarter-windows and tail-light assemblies had been on my car (and removing the pinstripes and adhesive for the trim). I bought a BIG bottle of tar & adhesive remover that probably would have worked fine had it just been a single small blotch or two that a person might get by driving through a road construction area with fresh tar ...not a huge quarter inch bead of the stuff covering a line that perhaps equaled 15-20 feet or so in length ...and this isn't even counting the double stick tape that had held the bumper strips on (another 15 feet or so), or the pinstripes. Back when I was working in the field, we used some stuff in an aerosol can that nearly melted the shit off on contact. I think I was kicking myself most of the time for not making some phone calls to find out what that stuff had been.
My dream had been to do all of the body work and put on the primer coat of paint this weekend. As much as I want to bitch about the complete waste of a day ...the truth is that I probably couldn't have successfully done that anyway: it rained cats and dogs nearly the whole day, and I have doubts that the paint would have even stuck. It also doesn't make me feel any better when the goal for #15 weekend is now going to be the same as this one though.
So I went out first thing in the morning and started wiping the tar out of the quarter window flanges with the solvent I had purchased (keep away from "Goof-off" everyone). Nearly two hours later, I started on the tail-light flanges. I didn't work QUITE as hard on those, and eventually I took a razor to the pinstripes and double stick tape that had a consistency that was somewhat similar to concrete has after having been on the car for 24 years. I guess that on the upside ...at least I did go ahead and mask off the quarter windows and all of the bolt holes where I had taken out parts (rear bumper, lights, etc) while I was working.
...it was well after one before I finally figured out that what I was doing just wasn't cutting it, and that I needed to try something different. I drove into town to see what was available, and had to settle on detergents and some heavy-duty scrubbing utensils. I put all of the “components” back into place inside the car and drove it outside; it was a bit amusing to drive a car without a dashboard in it. None of what I bought turned out to be particularly impressive or overly effective when I made it back with them, but I think the plastic scrubbers and brillo-type zinc pads may have been a bit better than nothing at all.
Ultimately, it came down to wet-sanding the shit out of it, and that mostly did the trick although it went down to the primer in a lot of the heavy areas. Then when the heavens opened up and started dumping what I'm pretty sure was one of the local lakes on me, I pulled the car back inside the shop and started pulling a vacuum on the AC system. I took off the RF fender and did a bit of pounding on the fender with a rubber mallet to get the worst of the dents out, then put three cans of refrigerant in the AC. I either have a pretty big leak, or something else is going on; it cycled rapidly like there wasn't enough refrigerant (R12 capacity was only 34 ounces, so three cans should have been overdoing things a little bit). I guess I'll find out next time; I dumped a shit-load of oil into it, so a leak should be pretty obvious if there is one.
When the monsoon passed over, I pulled the car back out and did a little more sanding before calling it “enough” for the day. Had I done the body-filler work, it's probably almost ready for the primer-coat. As I was finishing up, I set the fender back on it and remembered that I had done absolutely NO sanding on that.
I'm considerably less than thrilled with the progress on this trip, and I guess that I'll just have to hope that next time I won't have the rain variable mixed into things. I got a fair bit done as far as prep-work goes; there's still a fair bit yet to do though. As I've said, I'm less than thrilled, but it could have always been worse I suppose.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Nissan Weekend #13
So number thirteen was a bit of a short weekend as well; we brought my Mom's sister and one of her kids out to the ranch Friday night, but came back home Saturday evening after dinner. I got in about six hours of work time; I think I probably got a lot more done than I had really thought that I would, although I suspect that my BIL thought I set myself back a ways rather than moving forward.
It really was a slow start. Although I brought my toolbox along with me, I never took it out of Mom's car. I used the BIL's quarter inch socket set and a few screwdrivers the whole day; the "mechanical" end of it is mostly done now, so I don't really need very much. Oddly enough (or maybe not), I started out on the front bumper cover. The epoxy I used to fill the damaged area was pretty rough, so I just got a bit of a start on that. I worked on it for maybe 15 minutes or so; I have a cardboard box I carry a lot of the "little stuff" around in, and I forgot to bring some of the items that really would have aided in the sanding. As I worked on it for a few minutes, I got to thinking that perhaps I would be doing myself a favor to simply bring the whole thing home with me. It became somewhat obvious that I was probably going to be looking at hours of work to get the contours on the repaired section right; why not just do all the sanding and maybe even the primer coat here in Dallas?! Food for thought at least; I abandoned that project and got busy on removing the rear bumper cover.
The bumper cover came right off; it's amazing how easily all of that comes off when you have virtually all of the interior mostly laying on the exterior. There were two nuts on either side that were covered (hidden) by insulation, but I saw the top two before I even started so I pulled the insulation back to SEE if they had hidden a couple more. When I had everything loose, I gave the cover a big tug...
...and nothing. It wouldn't budge. I pulled both outer parts loose, but the middle of it was still holding tight. I looked closer and sure enough; I had missed one stud that had a wiring loom going over the top of it. Apparently 12 studs in the interior of the car isn't QUITE enough to hold it on; they need to throw one MORE hidden one in as well.
It was a surprise to me when I took the tail-light assemblies out; I had been reading about how the seals for them were rather notorious about springing leaks. I had a fair amount of rust damage in the rear that I had assumed was from the hatch seal (I'm still not ruling that out); the rust damage in the spare tire well was definitely from a leak in the right tail-light seal though. The standing water in the left side after I washed it is still a bit of a puzzle though. I saw a spot on the left seal that looked like water may well have been passing through, but I didn't see the obvious watermarks like I did on the right side. I'm certain that I'll have a lot of puzzles to figure out once everything is painted and put back together. Since all the water that runs across the entire rear hatch empties right by the light assemblies, it's a pretty good bet that the leaking problem was there all along.
The same sealant used for the tail assemblies is what is used on the rear quarter windows. I had been reading an article about how if you were re-sealing one, you might as well do all of them. The sealant is a really annoyingly sticky black tar-like substance that apparently loses its thickness with age; it had been running a little bit on the side windows for as long as I had the car and was almost impossible to clean off. The more I read about these leak-potentials, the more I liked the thought of just taking them out, painting the trim separately and re-tinting the glass while it's out of the car. One of my "projects" while home is to find a good cleaner for the tar; that stuff is almost impossible to get off with nearly everything I've tried so far.
The quarter windows came out with relatively little fuss; the adhesive-cleaning was (and will continue to be, on the next visit) the most difficult part. I took all of the side moulding off, and I'm not really sure how well those parts are going to go as far as repainting since they are SO flexible. Hopefully not TOO bad is all I can say; only one side had severe damage, but I'll need to paint them all to have them match. I used a razor and cut off the worst of the double stick tape that held them on; hopefully tar remover will take care of that as well.
After I spent goodness knows how much time with a razor blade trying to get the worst of the double-stick tape and the tar on the window and tail lens areas off, I remembered the ground effects, which turned out to be no big deal at all. Once those were off, I took a few steps back and tried to figure where to go now; I still had time on my hands. I guess that the logical next step would have been to have gotten busy on spit cleaning under all the things I took off; only I didn't have anything to take the tar compound off and that was going to be getting in my way no matter what I did.
I was so proud of myself for finding that dashboard cover a while back ...it really makes a world of difference in the looks. The more I thought about how badly the vinyl was peeling up, the more I started thinking about ways to clear off the old rotten stuff before attempting to gue down the cap. ...to the point it was actually starting to literally bother me. I had a thought creep into my head about the possibility of just taking the whole dash out; after all, I had all the lower trim out, the AC control head/stereo assembly, the glovebox ...the instrument panel was really the largest obstacle standing in my way for getting at ALL the bolts for the dash. It isn't exactly FUN to take out, but not that big of a deal after everything else I've done.
I had the time now ...and it might save me some trouble down the line if I was able to do the work on it with it OUT of the car (shit ....everything is easier to work on when it's out of the car). I went ahead and got busy with that. I think the largest problem was just in remembering where all of the bolts were, and what peices had to come off to get at the "hidden" bolts. It was really a "couple of hours" out of my way, not a "couple of minutes" ...it sucks to take it out in any case, but in this case I think I turned out to be doing what may be a huge favor to myself later on. When I pulled it out, it turns out that the reason the vinyl started peeling up in the first place is because it has started rusting out underneath ...BADLY! I'll need to cut away almost all of the affected sections and do some major sanding and rustoleum painting ...then put in some low-rise sandable foam and hopefully that will work well enough. I'd really rather not have to chase down another dash for the silly thing, but I guess I'd rather find out now rather than a year or so down the line when it all starts warping because I cut corners (and I've cut more than a few already).
Once I had the dash out and on the ground, I called it a day. The BIL came out and nearly fell over when he saw the interior ...I think he said something to the effect of how it had LOOKED like I was in the process of putting it all back TOGETHER?!?! Ah well ...it may not be pretty, but I'll be happy I did it later. I chose to only bring home the front bumper cover, the quarter-windows and the tail-lamp assemblies this time; hopefully to get prepped and all of the tar off of before I head out the next time. Time will tell! She's looking pretty scary, but I'm sure hoping this means I'm still on the downhill end of things.
It really was a slow start. Although I brought my toolbox along with me, I never took it out of Mom's car. I used the BIL's quarter inch socket set and a few screwdrivers the whole day; the "mechanical" end of it is mostly done now, so I don't really need very much. Oddly enough (or maybe not), I started out on the front bumper cover. The epoxy I used to fill the damaged area was pretty rough, so I just got a bit of a start on that. I worked on it for maybe 15 minutes or so; I have a cardboard box I carry a lot of the "little stuff" around in, and I forgot to bring some of the items that really would have aided in the sanding. As I worked on it for a few minutes, I got to thinking that perhaps I would be doing myself a favor to simply bring the whole thing home with me. It became somewhat obvious that I was probably going to be looking at hours of work to get the contours on the repaired section right; why not just do all the sanding and maybe even the primer coat here in Dallas?! Food for thought at least; I abandoned that project and got busy on removing the rear bumper cover.
The bumper cover came right off; it's amazing how easily all of that comes off when you have virtually all of the interior mostly laying on the exterior. There were two nuts on either side that were covered (hidden) by insulation, but I saw the top two before I even started so I pulled the insulation back to SEE if they had hidden a couple more. When I had everything loose, I gave the cover a big tug......and nothing. It wouldn't budge. I pulled both outer parts loose, but the middle of it was still holding tight. I looked closer and sure enough; I had missed one stud that had a wiring loom going over the top of it. Apparently 12 studs in the interior of the car isn't QUITE enough to hold it on; they need to throw one MORE hidden one in as well.
It was a surprise to me when I took the tail-light assemblies out; I had been reading about how the seals for them were rather notorious about springing leaks. I had a fair amount of rust damage in the rear that I had assumed was from the hatch seal (I'm still not ruling that out); the rust damage in the spare tire well was definitely from a leak in the right tail-light seal though. The standing water in the left side after I washed it is still a bit of a puzzle though. I saw a spot on the left seal that looked like water may well have been passing through, but I didn't see the obvious watermarks like I did on the right side. I'm certain that I'll have a lot of puzzles to figure out once everything is painted and put back together. Since all the water that runs across the entire rear hatch empties right by the light assemblies, it's a pretty good bet that the leaking problem was there all along.
The same sealant used for the tail assemblies is what is used on the rear quarter windows. I had been reading an article about how if you were re-sealing one, you might as well do all of them. The sealant is a really annoyingly sticky black tar-like substance that apparently loses its thickness with age; it had been running a little bit on the side windows for as long as I had the car and was almost impossible to clean off. The more I read about these leak-potentials, the more I liked the thought of just taking them out, painting the trim separately and re-tinting the glass while it's out of the car. One of my "projects" while home is to find a good cleaner for the tar; that stuff is almost impossible to get off with nearly everything I've tried so far.The quarter windows came out with relatively little fuss; the adhesive-cleaning was (and will continue to be, on the next visit) the most difficult part. I took all of the side moulding off, and I'm not really sure how well those parts are going to go as far as repainting since they are SO flexible. Hopefully not TOO bad is all I can say; only one side had severe damage, but I'll need to paint them all to have them match. I used a razor and cut off the worst of the double stick tape that held them on; hopefully tar remover will take care of that as well.
After I spent goodness knows how much time with a razor blade trying to get the worst of the double-stick tape and the tar on the window and tail lens areas off, I remembered the ground effects, which turned out to be no big deal at all. Once those were off, I took a few steps back and tried to figure where to go now; I still had time on my hands. I guess that the logical next step would have been to have gotten busy on spit cleaning under all the things I took off; only I didn't have anything to take the tar compound off and that was going to be getting in my way no matter what I did.
I was so proud of myself for finding that dashboard cover a while back ...it really makes a world of difference in the looks. The more I thought about how badly the vinyl was peeling up, the more I started thinking about ways to clear off the old rotten stuff before attempting to gue down the cap. ...to the point it was actually starting to literally bother me. I had a thought creep into my head about the possibility of just taking the whole dash out; after all, I had all the lower trim out, the AC control head/stereo assembly, the glovebox ...the instrument panel was really the largest obstacle standing in my way for getting at ALL the bolts for the dash. It isn't exactly FUN to take out, but not that big of a deal after everything else I've done.
I had the time now ...and it might save me some trouble down the line if I was able to do the work on it with it OUT of the car (shit ....everything is easier to work on when it's out of the car). I went ahead and got busy with that. I think the largest problem was just in remembering where all of the bolts were, and what peices had to come off to get at the "hidden" bolts. It was really a "couple of hours" out of my way, not a "couple of minutes" ...it sucks to take it out in any case, but in this case I think I turned out to be doing what may be a huge favor to myself later on. When I pulled it out, it turns out that the reason the vinyl started peeling up in the first place is because it has started rusting out underneath ...BADLY! I'll need to cut away almost all of the affected sections and do some major sanding and rustoleum painting ...then put in some low-rise sandable foam and hopefully that will work well enough. I'd really rather not have to chase down another dash for the silly thing, but I guess I'd rather find out now rather than a year or so down the line when it all starts warping because I cut corners (and I've cut more than a few already).
Once I had the dash out and on the ground, I called it a day. The BIL came out and nearly fell over when he saw the interior ...I think he said something to the effect of how it had LOOKED like I was in the process of putting it all back TOGETHER?!?! Ah well ...it may not be pretty, but I'll be happy I did it later. I chose to only bring home the front bumper cover, the quarter-windows and the tail-lamp assemblies this time; hopefully to get prepped and all of the tar off of before I head out the next time. Time will tell! She's looking pretty scary, but I'm sure hoping this means I'm still on the downhill end of things.
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