Reading around the other day when I was ranting so much about the "spiritual fucks and their stupid platitudes" I have to admit that I'm a bit curious now about the different stages of withdrawal. I usually get goofy instead of bitchy, but walking into day six without a cigarette just feels a little weird. I don't really feel like I've made it over any kind of "hump" to speak of; I don't honestly think I'll feel like I've accomplished any real goals until I've passed one month (realistically with me ...six weeks). Most websites I went to said that the first four days are the hardest, but I guess that I have one thing going for me that "most people" don't: a chronic condition that when aggravated, feels a hell of a lot worse than nicotine withdrawal ever will. Honestly ...the first two days almost feels like a cheap drug high to me; days three and four are much harder than one or two.
...and that's where I'm at this morning; my "chronic condition" is in high gear so it's hard to concentrate on much of anything. I had a minor craving last night, but felt so shitty from what was really just "another day in the life" that I was able to pass off the craving without so much as a second thought; this morning I'm too dizzy to really even care. Maybe I'm a little more determined this time since I feel sort of painted into a corner to do what I've needed to do (for arguably much better reasons) all along anyway. Maybe I'm just doing the equivalent of hitting my right hand with a hammer so I don't think about how much my left foot hurts. At one point yesterday, my left eye went dark in the peripherals kind of like somebody shone a bright light in my eye ...except that my vision was fine straight ahead, just super-dark around the edges. It's happened like that before more than once, so I didn't get too overly bent out of shape about it and everything was back to normal inside of a half hour or so. It's been a few years, but I've never shown stroke activity in an MRI to date, so I just don't worry about it. The bizarre ways my vision gets affected by the dizziness is something that every single doctor to date has just filed off as "weird" but I honestly don't think any of them has taken it very seriously.
I've got five weeks before the big move, and I'm sure making a hell of a start. I got up in the attic at Moms yesterday and moved a ton of stuff around as well as nailing down a bit of plywood to move around on. I honestly don't know what the fuck Dad was thinking when he put particle board down up there (and I'm about 90% sure it was him and not the previous owner); it caves in as soon as you put any weight on it between the rafters (that you can't see because of the freaking particle board). The good news is that there's plenty of room up there after all. The first time I went up there, I nearly had a heart attack because it was so full of stuff. Turns out that there were two things going on I wasn't seeing in the initial "OMFG!" I went through. First was that everything was piled around the ladder/stairs going up; second was that most of the boxes were empty (leave it to my folks to save air from 1994). I make fun, but I actually sympathize a little bit ...I hate parting with a really good box; I do draw the line at filling an attic with them though. There's a hell of a lot more room than my initial guess though.
I brought my sister and BIL's steam cleaner back with me on the last ranch trip, and I made the huge start in carpet cleaning yesterday as well. First carpet cleaning in at least 16 years. I did two rooms, and I'll go back today to do two more. I'm pretty impressed with how good it looks in the two rooms that I've already done ...I'm hoping the next two will go as well, but I can only hope that the rest of the place looks as good as the dining room. The front room is worse than the dining room (I'll be doing the front room today), but the living room is by far the worst of all of them. I'm not sure if I'll try to tackle the living room before I'm actually moved in or not. I may, but I think some of it will depend on how the front room and computer room goes, and how thorough Mom will be on going through her stuff.
I always worked on the car in two day stretches, so I keep telling myself that "I can do this" even when I know good and well that my body is almost done and I'll be running on borrowed steam. Good ...I can burn off all those fucking calories I got from eating everything in sight for the last five (first four?) days. I won't say that the suffering is good for my soul, but it sure helps keep my mind off of things I don't really want to be thinking about.
It's time now. I think I'll start getting the stuff out of my closet that I want to bring up this time, and start getting busy on trying to get myself freed up enough to work a little bit.
c'est la vie
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