dear sweet Jonesing

Well ...I'm back to being in the ranks of the completely non-smoker again. I have fucked up so many times over the last two weeks buying cigarettes, I'm not quite sure what to think about it. I think there must be some certain level of self disgust I have to reach before I finally just throw my hands up and get with the program again, but there is a certain feeling that has to "click" into place before I can get really serious.

It doesn't hurt that I've been making myself sick with it as well.

My last night of indulgence was a bit strange; involving smokes and a 12 pack of beer. The night was actually pretty run of the mill as far as my nights of overindulgence go. I drank, smoked and wrote; 12 pack of beer and 2 packs of cigarettes. My throat hurt like hell the next day and the leftover beer is still untouched in the fridge.

I really kind of like overindulging a bit on both fronts, but I've noticed a few interesting trends. I really can't get drunk these days like I used to be able to; as a matter of fact, when I do the math on how much I drink in the number of hours I take to do it factoring in my body weight and metabolism ...I'm actually just kind of getting a fairly light buzz. The first three slam right down, but then it is most often just one an hour after that ...sometimes even with a glass of water or three mixed in between to boot. Things have changed a LOT since Linda. She was such a nasty drunk, I guess it's not really much wonder I'm a bit turned off by the whole booze thing. That, and after my two year hiatus I have discovered what it is to actually have HANGOVERS! ...maybe it's an age thing.

So anyway ...I'm on day three smokefree again, and the withdrawals are being a pain in the ass. I guess I should have thought of that before I got that first pack dammit, but I'm getting by at least.

I skipped blogging yesterday on AFF, and I'm really trying to think of something decent to throw up there today but not having a great deal of success at it so far. Yesterday I had all sorts of amusing blog ideas dancing through my head, but I got caught up in the business of life; cleaned house, did the laundry ...watched some TV for a change. Probably a bit closer to what I need to be doing more often.

One of these days, I may have to do a bit of a series here about the "real GM" vs the funniness I try to decorate my AFF blog with. Hell, that is just as much a part of me as what I'm writing here, but I find it perhaps ironic that one reading only one or the other would probably have a completely different view of who I am ...kind of like the tale of the 3 blind men and the elephant.

Perhaps I should ask my therapist for a group rate. (that is, if she weren't already dumping me for being too fucking healthy anyway *sob*)

Well, it's time for lunch now, so I guess I should get moving before Dad starts getting cranky!

*sigh*